My child is a bit older now (10) but a few things I’ve learned is that it’s absolutely possible to build a community in SF. It takes effort and you have to throw out a lot of preconceived notions or assumptions eg I was completely fine not following the expensive private school route and still rent - both things that make a huge outlier in tech people my age. And she does go by herself to playgrounds and has just started walking home. Making an effort to find parents that want to parent like me has helped and that’s often through places kids are in eg preschool, elementary etc. The one thing I wasn’t prepared for was how transient sf is with people you develop real bonds with leaving constantly because it’s too hard/moving back to be with family etc.
Sorry. I don’t seem to have notifications on for comments. Found parents a bunch of different ways. Early on fb groups, gulp - Nextdoor (it has its pros), there was also a dedicated parents app that I thought had real promise but it didn’t make it. Once kids are in a structure like preschool etc just finding other parents in class etc. The best thing ever though was that the place I gave birth put all parents that opted in to a new parents group for similar due dates. It was awesome. So I always tell expecting parents to sign up for classes or groups in the neighborhood if they can. It’s really helpful to not be navigating childbirth and the early days alone.
Yep, it is very hard, particularly in San Francisco in my mind. We're dealing with this a lot and "build community" has jumped to #1 on our Asana board [1]. I'm not sure I have particularly good tactics beyond the observation that often it just takes *anyone* sending up a road flare. (Speaking of: if any fellow moderately depressed young parents in the Duboce/Western Addition broader area want to do some collective action on this, we're here for it.)
I think one part of this that goes a bit unspoken is the importance of "the between time" — especially with young kids. "Getting together" can be this overwhelming, large chunk. The moments where I most want to live in community are to shoot the shit while unloading the dishwasher, or to have folks having a conversation I can passively engage with while I cook us all a meal, 10 feet away.
[1] Nota bene: Neither of us are PMs nor even particularly close to traditional tech structures like this; we needed something that worked for a couple comprised of Profound Planner and Pure Inspiration Reactor.
Dave! Completely agree that the dream is shooting the shit with another cool person while unloading the dishwasher. I am reminded of the old-timey videos of housewives yelling greetings at each other out of their windows while cooking. I really wish that was possible now.
To your point on geographic proximity: part of the issue is of course housing. I am already thinking about moving out of the Alamo Sq area because it's so expensive and I want space to have a dining table, I can't imagine having kids in that spot too. I was in NYC this weekend, and was reminded of how geographically spread-out my friends are even in that same city (all over Brooklyn, Tribeca, UWS (columbia prof), etc. I wish we all lived in the same area, because the barrier of taking a stroller on the Subway is a big one.
Absolutely yes to the road flare! Do it. One thing I found that worked for a bit was just having pizza nights at my place and inviting folks over and telling them it was going to be a low key affair with my house a mess.
Loved this piece. I am so grateful to have two amazing siblings. My wife is an only child and while I can’t speak for her, in adulthood I think it might be lonelier in some ways. It’s hard to explain. Knowing one of my best friends is indeed my brother ( Even though we are really different-he is very religious too!) is really special and makes me feel less lonely in the world some how. Maybe try reaching out to your siblings - they might surprise you! Again, hard to explain. Just grateful for my community!
My child is a bit older now (10) but a few things I’ve learned is that it’s absolutely possible to build a community in SF. It takes effort and you have to throw out a lot of preconceived notions or assumptions eg I was completely fine not following the expensive private school route and still rent - both things that make a huge outlier in tech people my age. And she does go by herself to playgrounds and has just started walking home. Making an effort to find parents that want to parent like me has helped and that’s often through places kids are in eg preschool, elementary etc. The one thing I wasn’t prepared for was how transient sf is with people you develop real bonds with leaving constantly because it’s too hard/moving back to be with family etc.
Love this, Uma. How did you find those parents?
Sorry. I don’t seem to have notifications on for comments. Found parents a bunch of different ways. Early on fb groups, gulp - Nextdoor (it has its pros), there was also a dedicated parents app that I thought had real promise but it didn’t make it. Once kids are in a structure like preschool etc just finding other parents in class etc. The best thing ever though was that the place I gave birth put all parents that opted in to a new parents group for similar due dates. It was awesome. So I always tell expecting parents to sign up for classes or groups in the neighborhood if they can. It’s really helpful to not be navigating childbirth and the early days alone.
Yep, it is very hard, particularly in San Francisco in my mind. We're dealing with this a lot and "build community" has jumped to #1 on our Asana board [1]. I'm not sure I have particularly good tactics beyond the observation that often it just takes *anyone* sending up a road flare. (Speaking of: if any fellow moderately depressed young parents in the Duboce/Western Addition broader area want to do some collective action on this, we're here for it.)
I think one part of this that goes a bit unspoken is the importance of "the between time" — especially with young kids. "Getting together" can be this overwhelming, large chunk. The moments where I most want to live in community are to shoot the shit while unloading the dishwasher, or to have folks having a conversation I can passively engage with while I cook us all a meal, 10 feet away.
[1] Nota bene: Neither of us are PMs nor even particularly close to traditional tech structures like this; we needed something that worked for a couple comprised of Profound Planner and Pure Inspiration Reactor.
Dave! Completely agree that the dream is shooting the shit with another cool person while unloading the dishwasher. I am reminded of the old-timey videos of housewives yelling greetings at each other out of their windows while cooking. I really wish that was possible now.
To your point on geographic proximity: part of the issue is of course housing. I am already thinking about moving out of the Alamo Sq area because it's so expensive and I want space to have a dining table, I can't imagine having kids in that spot too. I was in NYC this weekend, and was reminded of how geographically spread-out my friends are even in that same city (all over Brooklyn, Tribeca, UWS (columbia prof), etc. I wish we all lived in the same area, because the barrier of taking a stroller on the Subway is a big one.
Move to Noe, stroller central 😂
Absolutely yes to the road flare! Do it. One thing I found that worked for a bit was just having pizza nights at my place and inviting folks over and telling them it was going to be a low key affair with my house a mess.
Loved this piece. I am so grateful to have two amazing siblings. My wife is an only child and while I can’t speak for her, in adulthood I think it might be lonelier in some ways. It’s hard to explain. Knowing one of my best friends is indeed my brother ( Even though we are really different-he is very religious too!) is really special and makes me feel less lonely in the world some how. Maybe try reaching out to your siblings - they might surprise you! Again, hard to explain. Just grateful for my community!